Grief

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing ...Not that am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not "So there's no God after all", but "So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer"   C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

There's no way to prepare for deep grief, for the pain that shatters a heart and a life when a beloved leaves. No one can coach us on it. Those who could, who knew exactly how it felt, who could describe it in detail, wouldn't do it, would not presume to encroach on the most intimate part of our relationship with a loved one. Those who casually say, "Aren't you over that yet?" don't understand.

This much I will tell you about grief: If there was ever a second, or a moment, when you suspected or knew you had been betrayed at the deepest level by someone you adored, and a splintering pain began to shred your heart, turn your world grimly unbearable to the point where you would consciously choose denial and ignorance about the betrayal rather than feel this way, that is one one-millionth of what it feels like to grieve.

Grief is not abnormal condition, nor is it something to be treated with words. It is a universe, a world, unto itself. If you are called to enter this world, there in so turning back. We are not allowed to refuse that call Grief is like nothing else, with the possible exception of the pounding of waves of the ocean. To two are the same. And each one washes away the old, and washes in the new.

Gradually, almost imperceptibly, whether we believe it or not, we are being transformed.

Melody Beattie